You are responsible for your own life

Taking responsibility for the things that happen in my life is one of the most difficult tasks I find before me today. I was watching Oprah's Lifeclass on her new OWN network, and something she said really struck me: "You are responsible for your life. If you are sitting around and waiting on someone to save you, to fix you, even to help you, you are wasting your time because only you have the power to take responsibility to move your life forward."


I have never looked to Oprah as a guru or even as someone who has a lot of wisdom to offer, but sometimes you need to hear the truth from the mouth of someone other than yourself, or your therapist. When Oprah said those words, I felt the blood rush to my cheeks as shame welled up inside of me. I am very, very guilty of feeling that I am not enough to get myself through this life. I am not strong enough, I am not resourceful enough, I am not practical enough, I just can't do it alone. I keep thinking that if I could have someone to emotionally support me, if I could get my foot in the door, if I could save some money, if I could just get a break... then I could live my life. Then I could succeed.

I have very little confidence in myself, and very little self-esteem. Having to rebuild my life from the ashes of all that I once knew has been a very slow, laborious project. It stripped me of many of the things I once valued about myself - my discipline and my cleverness, for one, and my ability to memorise and synthesise information. It stripped me of the hope that everything would be okay, no matter what happens. I now live in perpetual fear of failure - not simply failing to achieve a goal, but failure to continue living my life. Failure to function as a human being. A fear of slipping back into deep depression, without anything constant or concrete to hold on to.

I suppose it stripped me of my sense of agency in my own life.  I went from someone who makes things happen, to someone to whom things happen. Everything felt out of control, and now that I have seen how easily things can fall apart, I am terrified of losing all that I have worked to attain over the past few years. I know very well that sitting back and doing nothing will not allow me to achieve my dreams, but at the same time, I am so painfully cautious and tentative now, almost reluctant. I know that I must graduate and I must acquire a full-time job. The debtors will begin knocking early. But when I think about how much work that I must do in order to get there...

I feel so afraid.

I wonder what it is that will finally allow me to master my fears and be able to live again. For now, I seek solace in writing all of this out in the hope that it will serve as a sort of therapy for me. Sometimes things only appear clear when they have been written in words on a page.

Here's hoping for some clarity.