I have never looked to Oprah as a guru or even as someone who has a lot of wisdom to offer, but sometimes you need to hear the truth from the mouth of someone other than yourself, or your therapist. When Oprah said those words, I felt the blood rush to my cheeks as shame welled up inside of me. I am very, very guilty of feeling that I am not enough to get myself through this life. I am not strong enough, I am not resourceful enough, I am not practical enough, I just can't do it alone. I keep thinking that if I could have someone to emotionally support me, if I could get my foot in the door, if I could save some money, if I could just get a break... then I could live my life. Then I could succeed.
I have very little confidence in myself, and very little self-esteem. Having to rebuild my life from the ashes of all that I once knew has been a very slow, laborious project. It stripped me of many of the things I once valued about myself - my discipline and my cleverness, for one, and my ability to memorise and synthesise information. It stripped me of the hope that everything would be okay, no matter what happens. I now live in perpetual fear of failure - not simply failing to achieve a goal, but failure to continue living my life. Failure to function as a human being. A fear of slipping back into deep depression, without anything constant or concrete to hold on to.
I suppose it stripped me of my sense of agency in my own life. I went from someone who makes things happen, to someone to whom things happen. Everything felt out of control, and now that I have seen how easily things can fall apart, I am terrified of losing all that I have worked to attain over the past few years. I know very well that sitting back and doing nothing will not allow me to achieve my dreams, but at the same time, I am so painfully cautious and tentative now, almost reluctant. I know that I must graduate and I must acquire a full-time job. The debtors will begin knocking early. But when I think about how much work that I must do in order to get there...
I feel so afraid.
I wonder what it is that will finally allow me to master my fears and be able to live again. For now, I seek solace in writing all of this out in the hope that it will serve as a sort of therapy for me. Sometimes things only appear clear when they have been written in words on a page.
Here's hoping for some clarity.